Questions

 I lurk on a message board and have been thinking about posting for help. I've been thinking about it for months, actually--questions from "how am I supposed to be a good mom?" to "how can I pass the time with someone who is blind and has very little fine motor control?" I still want to ask all those questions.

But the one I need to ask right now is how to stop crying all the time. I have NEVER been good at not crying when I want to cry. I can only stop crying by aggressively not thinking about upsetting things. I can hold that steady for a while, but there are limits and I reach them every weekend. 

I don't even quite know why I'm crying. Because my future is a yawning void? Because the person I love most is suffering? Because I don't get to leave the house? Because my life is meaningless? Because my husband's life is meaningless? Because I don't think it's going to get any better? Because I don't know what's going to happen and I'm scared? Because I'm so damned lonely?

 Do I believe that? No, but I'm afraid he will. If he can't draw or look at art, can't watch movies or remember things well enough to follow an audio book, can't go to the bathroom on his own or feed himself--which of these losses is going to be the straw? What can he do with himself? What joy is there for him?

I keep composing messages for the board: I've been living with this for six months now and I was okay for about four but now I don't know what to do. I can't hold it together. I can't be the person who finds meaning in his life all by myself. 

What do I do?

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